He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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