"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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