Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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