dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
