What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
