9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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