White coat. Heels.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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