why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dick very happy bro
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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