Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
