Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
