do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize