I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
