Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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