shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
