So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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