she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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