I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize