And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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