You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
