Will you blow on my dice?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
