Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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