And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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