fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
