Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
