I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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