haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
