I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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