Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize