I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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