he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
