I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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