Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
sarcasm needs its own font
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
