if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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