Dual....:-)
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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