I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
