at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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