Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
