Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
