Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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