Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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