How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
