Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
