just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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