sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize