I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
