I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
