My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
