There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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