Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
