After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Everything about him screamed your future.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
