Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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