So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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