So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
