i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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