So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
