The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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