i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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