Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
