My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize