I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
