I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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