the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Randomize
