She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
