Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
