party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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