I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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