my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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