Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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