my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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