Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
