Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize