according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
