just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I love you.
Bad choice
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
