i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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