There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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